When Faith Gets Fractured: A personal account of one Christian’s crisis of faith

The early half of 2019 was perhaps, genuinely, THE WORST time of my life…so far. You see, during that time, I faced what felt like the total dis-integration, dis-solution and de-construction of my entire being. The foundational beliefs upon which my entire life was built upon, were being shaken. Dismantled. Day after day a little piece eroded away. I’m talking about the most important thing in my life. My faith in God, my Chrisitan upbringing, the things that I believed as ‘true’ for all my life were now suddenly ‘up in the air.’ Oh prior to this season, I had my questions and skepticisms about the things I was taught, in the sense that you would with any piece of information I think, I searched for reasons as to why I believe what I believe, beyond just that ‘I was brought up this way’…or that ‘that’s what I was taught.’ But this time it was different….very different.

Imagine if you will, that the very floor of your house, the place where you’ve been inhabiting, with all its familiar rooms, suddenly began to crack and everything begins to slip and to fall, leaving you in freefall…only, in that realm of the internal world, gravity doesn’t seem to be pulling you down….there doesn’t even seem to be a down; or an up, or a left or a right. To put it in an image, there’s a scene from the movie ‘Gravity’ where Sandra Bullock who is an astronaut, was struck off her tether, flinging her violently into space, spinning and disoriented. THAT is how I felt.

To put it in an image, there’s a scene from the movie ‘Gravity’ where Sandra Bullock who is an astronaut, was struck off her tether, flinging her violently into space, spinning and disoriented. THAT is how I felt.

Why was I experiencing this? Why now? What led to this feeling at this particular point in my life? I can think of several key factors. Well at this phase in my life, I was working with a Christian organization and had a fair bit of responsibilities to manage. I was in the middle of my Master’s in Counselling courses that were modular, which meant a whole lot of information was being packed into a short space of time (the topic of the course at the time was about  Crisis Management). Because of scheduling delays, courses that I should have had in my first year were now happening in my second year which meant I was having one course after the next without any breaks in-between. I also had church responsibilities that were a recurring Sunday after Sunday. And now, most recently and on top of all of this, I just started the practicum part of my Master’s program which involved more assignments and frequent traveling to different sites week after week. Things were hectic. Very hectic. And they were a lot. And, as I mentioned before, I had questions that were floating around in my mind. Things about my faith that weren’t quite settled. These unresolved things I likened to a hairline fracture; and the pressure of everything at that time, caused that fracture to open up. And boy did it open up!

 Chief amongst all my questions, was the question of ‘absolute certainty’. I figured that if the things that I believe concerning my ‘being’, origin and eternal destiny are so important, and that there appear to be alternative views on these extremely crucial matters, then I better be damned sure that I got the right one! And so I questioned the source of the information of my faith. Could I trust the Bible? Is it reliable? Is all of this ‘God stuff’ even real and can I be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that what I believe is really so? THIS, I realized, triggered my state of crisis.

And to make this whole experience worse, this wasn’t supposed to be happening to ME……It’s ‘me’ afterall. You see, what you need to know about me is that I, Daniel Sookdeo, was ‘The’ Christian guy. I was born and raised in a Christian home. As a matter of fact, my dad is a pastor! I was the one answering all the questions as a youngling in Sunday School, winning the prizes, having to hold myself back just to give the other kids a chance to answer. I sang worship songs. I even led worship. I preached from the Bible. I even remember this one time in school when my teacher was trying to introduce me to speak. Grasping for words and phrases to describe me, she said ‘he’s very….Christian’ lolll. (I suppose for others one could’ve used words like ‘footballer’ or ‘musician’ or whatever else was ‘their thing’). My whole Identity was ‘Christian’. I’m the guy who shares the Christian stuff on Facebook. I’m the guy that prays and reads the Bible. I’m the guy that listens to Gospel music.

 Furthermore, at that time, with the job I mentioned, I was in a position of Chrisitan leadership and was tasked with teaching dozens upon dozens of younger Christians about Chrisitianity, how to better understand Christiantiy, how to share Christianity and how to defend Chrisitanity from various types of attacks. And furthermore beyond that last furthermore!!…I was tasked with raising my salary for the purpose of doing this Chrsitian work, that I was now beginning to doubt! To be able do that well, you’ve got to have a level of CONVICTION that what you’re doing is WORTH asking persons to support you financially. I’m trying very hard to describe to you how big of a deal this was; My whole identity was being questioned. My whole history. My future career path, because I was thinking of myself as going into Christian ministry full time later on. Who I am, from whence I came and to where I go have now been called into question. Where there were once full stops, there were now question marks.

I was no longer sure about the things I was so sure about before. I was searching for the ‘undoubtable answers’, the ‘irrefutable proofs’, the very substance of ‘certainty’. Of absolute certainty, so that I wouldn’t have to grapple with those pesky doubts that came to my mind every now and then. So that I’d be able to answer anyone that asked me why I was so sure that what I believed to be true was true. And so now that these foundational beliefs were being questioned…I was trying hard to find some resolution . “Jesus Christ, God almighty, where are you!? Are my prayers being heard by a God or am I just convincing myself that they are? Is that God’s voice in my head or was it my own voice in my head? Is the Bible the word of God or is it just made up stuff as many say it is? And what about all those other religions with their books, how am I so sure that they aren’t the true one and I’m actually the one with the false one?” You see it’s not that these questions haven’t crossed my mind before, it’s that now they all seemed to assail me ALL AT ONCE with the tip of the spear being whether I could be ‘absolutely certain’ about the reliability and trustworthiness of the Scriptures. 

Now I knew that there were answers to these questions ‘intellectually’, I’ve got books and I even taught them to others….but somehow I didn’t feel like I really knew these things, or Knew God…‘experientially’. As I examined my ‘faith’, I realized that what I really had could be described as a sort of ‘handed down knowledge.’ I listened to people before who believe and teach about God…and they spoke about their personal experiences….”well, what experiences did I have?” I asked myself. I would have prayed and thought that the answers came to those prayers….but….was that reallllyy so or was it just coincidence? (whatever that means). “Can I trust my experiences? Can I trust? wait….Can ‘I’?… Who am ‘I’? What am I ‘trusting’? What does that even mean? What is real? What is truth? What do I really know? Do I know anything!?” That was what it was like. All those questions, big, huge questions, were bouncing around my mind all. at. the. same. time. And it was happening Day after day for a long while.

This wasn’t just a normal questioning phase….this was bigger….this was deeper…I wished to be asleep, just so that I won’t have to be thinking about these things anymore…..how wonderful, I thought, would it be to sleep….and just not wake up……not have to deal with this again. My mind was occupied ALL THE TIME. It was as though my mind was bogged down with all these questions, just like how your computer’s internet browser slows down when there’s too many open tabs. I did not know what to do, I couldn’t talk about it with the people in my circles, I felt like I was expected to be the person that had the answers….that knew, that was a model Christian…(pshh yea right.)

The thing about being at such a place in the Chrisitan circles I was a part of (and this may be merely my perception and not a fault of their own) is that I felt very very VERY alone. Who could I tell? Who could I speak to about these doubts? I couldn’t dare tell those ‘under’ me.  I didn’t want to be the cause of ruining someone else’s faith. I didn’t want that. And I didn’t really feel like I could talk to those ‘above’ me. I staggered to school. I ‘existed’ through the day. I longeddddd to be asleep. “Why do I have to think? Why do I have to be awake? Why do I have to bother myself with these things? Why doesn’t it seem like everyone around me thinks about these things? Am I in this thing just because of the social pressures? Because I don’t want my family, friends, church community, colleagues and so on to disown, abandon or reject me? Do I really believe this stuff? As a matter of fact, what do I really believe? What does it even mean to ‘believe’? Do we people really believe this stuff? What if it’s all fake? What if I’m wrong? What if I’m ‘serving’ the wrong God? What If I’m going to hell or it’s equivalent instead for serving the wrong God? What if there is no God in the first place? What if there is no heaven or hell? Man what if the Atheists are right?”

Part of me wanted to just run far far away. I was feeling the Cognitive dissonance (the discomfort of mentally holding opposing viewpoints simultaneously) and I was feeling it hard! “Why am I even alive? Am I even alive? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s real? I don’t know what to think? I don’t know what to believe? I don’t know what’s true……But I know I want what’s true…. What is true? What is the truth?” So one could say that my faith crisis festered and transmuted into an existential crisis and so beyond just doubting faith, I was doubting everything.

My work was being affected, I couldn’t think straight. My lecturer noticed the difference in my class participation. My activity at church waned. My day to day living was just…..’blehh’. (In the Mental health world this would be referred to as my functionality was being affected). My conscience still seemed to function though; the part that has some concept of ‘rightness’ and ‘wrongness’,  so as to let me know that I was not in ‘a true place’, or a genuine place. I’d be a hypocrite to teach and say as truth what I wasn’t even sure was truth right? I just wanted the “truth.” Whatever was the truth that’s what I want…If it’s Hinduism that’s true, then give me that. If it’s Islam that’s true, then give me that. If it’s atheism that’s true, then give me that. That was my desire at least…but I wondered….could I really do it if it came down to it? Imagine the shock, the disapproval, the disbelief. The disappointment it would be for ‘The’ Christian guy to no longer believe….how would it look? Was I just staying ‘here’ for fear of the social repercussions? Was I being peer pressured to believe something that’s not true? 

Honestly…..It felt so…so very overwhelming. I didn’t want to die….I just wanted to not be awake and to have to experience the incredible discomfort of these scores of seemingly unanswerable questions surging through my mind…draining me….causing a tightness in my stomach, plunging me into fight or flight mode….Who would I be, If I wasn’t the Christian guy? Wow…I’d never thought about that before.

But on the other hand…what if God really is God and now I’m in some deeeepppp trouble for having doubted Him now? For having questioned Him? I actually discussed with my parents what I felt. They tried to be supportive, which I appreciated, but they just didn’t seem to really understand what I felt. I continued reading the scriptures. I continued listening to sermons. I also listened to opposing viewpoints from other relgions and philosophies….and a whole lot of psychology videos. Jordan Peterson’s stuff helped me out a lot when it came to understanding belief systems and the place you are at when your belief systems have crumbled and how to naviagte. Apologia studios stuff helped me out when it came to Christian beliefs. I searched YouTube and Google to find the reasons for why we believe. I browsed for articles, blogs….anything that could help me.

 I asked God, ‘The’ God, whoever ‘God’ really is, ‘If’ God really is… to guide me. Help me find ‘The Truth.’ I could just be talking to myself in my room here, but…. maybe not. “What if it was all true? What if…I was being heard. How would I know? What do I know? What is Truth? What is real?”  Am I brainwashed? But what does that even mean? Brainwashed to what? A lie? And what would be the alternative? Radical skepticism? I’ve tasted that and that’s no good. What would I live for? For my pleasures? Hedonism? “Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow, I die?” What If I just ended this existence? Right here and now? I wouldn’t have to know? I wouldn’t have to think? Man why do I have to exist and deal with this anyways? I didn’t choose to exist.” All of these thoughts were flowing, no torrenting, through my mind. And as soon as a thought in the affirmative came up, the negative bubbled up almost immediately after resulting in this ever unstable and fluctuating callaloo (a kind of soup) of thoughts in my mind.

One day I was listening to a preacher named John McArthur’s sermon on ‘Why we believe the Scriptures’…He was talking about the fact that not many believe who are wise or who are noble…basically, we believe because God in His grace, has opened our eyes to believe. It rang of Truth. That is, that the Scriptures are a type of self-authenticating thing that even though there are evidences connected to their validity such as manuscripts and the whole science of textual criticism, there is an element whereby we believe simply because God has ‘opened our eyes’ to believe…. And I felt like I cannot help but to believe. This was my first sign of relief.

Also around this time, because of the field I’m going into (Trauma Counselling) I figured I’d try to expose myself to the ‘worst of the worst’ situations that I could encounter. I came across a certain video online of what seemed to be a third world prison. Three men, with their faces covered with their t-shirts, came up to a guy sitting peacefully by a wall. You could see there were others around…they had knives. They proceeded to stoop down, in front of the intended target and sharpen their knives on the floor. In full view of him. Then, after about 20 or 30 seconds of this…they pounced on the man….dealing him multiple stabs about his body. The knives pierced his flesh. His stomach, back, neck. There was blood everywhere. He tried in vain to block as they all the while repeatedly stabbed him…until he slumped over, dead. My stomach knotted up. What I had just seen…..was an EVIL act. There was nothing ‘good’ about that. That was not nice, that was not pleasurable. That was not beneficial to society. Then as I read the Scriptures….I began to see righteous living…..loving one another….being wise….heeding correction. I thought about the application of these beliefs and how they would do good to society. I thought about the fact that Jesus is good, that He is God, HE is wise and that He is Truth. 

 If there is no God, there is no ULTIMATE good or evil, no right or wrong. But that act, with those cold-blooded killers, was absolutely evil. Now if there is absolute evil, then perhaps there is absolute good. And the stuff in the Scriptures seem to be absolutely good. And so If there’s absolute good and evil, then there must be some standard by which to judge between the two and the God of the Bible seems to be able to meet that criteria of standard giver. At least by the explanations I’ve heard of.

If there is no God, there is no ULTIMATE good or evil, no right or wrong.

The missing piece,  to resolve my state of mental anguish in contemplating these things, was found when I came across a video by a former detective turned apologist named J. Warner Wallace that described the difference between ‘possible doubt’ and ‘reasonable doubt’. It seems that it’s ALWAYS POSSIBLE to doubt, but it’s not always REASONABLE to doubt. This made me realize that what was happening was that I was in a grip, locked in interaction with all the ‘possible doubts’, but they were not necessarily ‘reasonable doubts.’ There was sufficient reasons to hold my beliefs, and even though it would always be possible to doubt a belief, it is not always reasonable to do so. It doesn’t seem possible to completely eradicate the question of  ‘what if?’… Ever. It seems that that is one question no matter what the topic, no matter what the sentence, one can alwaysssss ask ‘what if’. And that question will send you down tunnel after tunnel inside of the rabbit hole of infinity.

It seems, as far as I can see, that ‘absolute certainty’ is not humanly possible. I have heard some Chrisitans, mainly in the Presuppositional apologetics camp, claim absolute certainty….but for me, knowing that I can get things wrong…that I am not the smartest, or the wisest…that I am not the most knowledgeable…I can’t claim absolute certain knowledge. My question then was, ‘is it even necessary?’ Is ‘absolute certainty’ even required by God for us to be saved? I searched around a bit and what did I find? ‘Faith’ is required. Not absolute certainty.

 And that leads me to this; there is a guy in the Scriptures who came to Jesus about healing his daughter. Jesus said if you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes, do you believe?. And you know what the guy said? He said, ‘Lord I believe, Help my unbelief’ and He was not rebuked for that. Let me tell you….I am sooooooo happy that’s in the Bible.….I believe, help my unbelief. I see that the Scripture claims to be Truth. I see that it is beautiful. I have hope. I have meaning. I believe  that it can lead me to a good life….a good existence….in the natural and also beyond death. I have not seen Jesus or heard him objectively as some say they have…..my experience with the Scriptures is that it reveals a God that is good and pure and righteous. My conscience feels clear. It seems to lead to human flourishing. Trust is required. God is good. He makes sense of the evil, He makes sense of the good. My existence has a purpose. I am real. God is real, Life is good. I believe….help my unbelief.

Now, I NECESSARILY don’t know things. If I did know ALL the things I’d be omniscient (or ‘All knowing’). So I necessarily can only function within the range of the things that I know. I sought professional counselling from a Christian counsellor during this time, which proved to be extremely helpful, because it provided me with a safe space to process these things in the presence of a trained professional that was able to pick up on the right things and ask certain key questions. Also throughout this time, I cried. I wrote. I read. I cut off certain things. The load was lightened. And later that year, I reached a point where I realized that I could choose to close the door on these questions or I could choose to continually go down the rabbit hole of infinity.  

So why share  all this? I guess it’s to say that: religious person, Christian person, If you are going through something similar…know you’re not alone. Perhaps this process is important for your development and growth. That’s what my therapist said. Prior to this, I didn’t realize how excruciating of an experience it is to have your whole entire sense of identity, past, present and future collapse into a million pieces. And I think that If it could have happened to me at that point, under those circumstances in Christian circles; a position of leadership, son of a pastor, involved in Christian work, aiming at Christian goals, then I bet it could happen to anyone else no matter where in that spectrum or hierarchy, and also in other belief systems. I’d also like to encourage you, ‘Don’t apply a permanent solution to a temporary problem’. Remember that time goes on and that states of being and feeling change. Seasons change. Biblically, The Holy Spirit will lead us into all truth. Humanistically, if you’re a non-Christian, psychologists and philosophers have noted that we all experience this existential angst. Other spiritually inclined persons have described this experience as the dark night of the soul.

Could I be wrong about everything that I think I know? Possibly. Is that Reasonable? I don’t think so. The Descartes dude of philosophy said that the one ‘undoubtable thing is that I am thinking’, so at the very least,  there’s that. At best, It’s all true, every bit of it concerning Christ. At the end of it all, I exist, and I want to get my existence right. I’ve got a limited time on this earth and I can choose my way of being in such a way that I think, act and do towards ‘the good’. I don’t want to profess things that I don’t believe. I don’t want to ‘talk the talk but not walk the walk’ and vice versa. And so that’s what I’m going to try and do. And honestly, though I don’t think I can ever have absolute certainty, the more I read about Him, the more I think Jesus is Good and that Jesus Is ‘The Truth’

I wish you the best. Thanks for reading. I welcome your comments and my inbox is open for anyone who may be going through such a season and feel like there’s no one you can talk to about it. I’ve been there. It can get better.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28 (ESV)